I must be careful with my words. This is not meant as a blog post about self-pity but rather a real question of how to break free of the grip that robs a creative person of their vital expression which is needed for themselves and for the world.
When I began my blog, I was lifting out of a depression brought on by a cancer recurrence in 2016. Two years later I began emerging into creativity and started to share my writing and art. Just the act of adding a positive voice and attitude that was buried inside was a life-giving restorative that called only on myself, a computer or other tools and feedback from the few people who were kind enough to read what I was writing, drawing and painting.
Now in 2020 with the return and spread of my cancer I do not have the luxury of waiting two years to emerge once again into the positive attitude that is so life-giving.
There is confusion and a slow pace that descends which is almost impossible to power through. Only by slow progress into enjoying a moment in the day or the use of a mindful coping skill is my world restored to a light-filled and joyful anticipation of each day. This takes as much time as it takes. Like adding to the positive side in bits and pieces, I am full of hope that I will reach that state again.
There is also a critical voice that threatens to put obstacles in my way. Christians call it the Devil; Mindful Practitioners call it Darkness; Doctors call it a trench we build from which we can hunker down until our life passes us by and we become frozen with indecision or worse.
I began my climb out of this most recent depression by committing to be there for the hummingbirds. They are so fragile. We had six this year but lost two. One to what might have been old age or disease and sadly one to the cat we adopted. We moved the feeder higher up and that solved a lot. Then we added a new bird feeder - squirrel proof this time. One cat grew into two cats. When I get out of bed, they beckon me with their appreciation for food and kindness. From that, I might be able to take coffee on the deck and watch the sun come up.
I never cut contact with my friends, but I had to find a way to relate to their happiness, cheer, and lighthearted banter in a new way. I had to dig deep and find words to support them rather than pulling on them for more than any other person can give. Words and nature have saved me thus far.
Granted I still battle with confusion on how to create a day, but I was able to read and enjoy a book so that is a better refuge than allowing fear and darkness to take a stronghold again.
Now I am going to get to the point of this blog post. If you are a writer, if you are an artist, do not throw away your tools. Do not look on what you wrote or drew or painted with derision and criticism. You have to wait until that lifts and passes to re-arrange a friendly workplace. Let them sit where they are and function from a simpler space. From my past experience I can tell you that you purchased tools and wrote what you did for a reason. Your journaling is not wasted, your sketches are not to be thrown out with contempt. They are keeping your hand moving and your inner artist invited to show up.
We are all a work in progress, created from loving mother nature, a plentiful universe and a God that is an expression of love, peace, wisdom and support. There is no judgment from them. There is only the call to delve into ourselves, our soul as it were, and keep communication going outward and make it as positive as we can. We cannot create anything that is independent of circumstances, but we can create something and share that.
I sit on a folding chair on the deck with a cold glass of water.
I feel supported and happy.
I enjoy looking at the clouds in the sky. I feel supported and blessed.
I hear the wind ring the chimes in a soft lullaby. I am enfolded in love.
I know that this enjoyment may only last as long as I can open to feel it.
It is enough.
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